Thinkin' Thin
by Marla Fair
Summary: Written for the Bonanza Boomers March fan fic challenge. The story was based on the photo used here as the 'cover' image. Hoss Cartwright decides that losing weight might be one of the most dangerous things a man can do.


Thinkin' Thin

I'm tellin' ya, I don't see what's so all-fired important about bein' thin! I mean, it causes a man all sorts of trouble. Leastwise, a man like me.

The things I let my little brother get me into.

It was nigh on a month ago. Pa and Adam and me was all dressed in our Sunday duds, sittin' at the breakfast table sippin' coffee and waitin' on little brother to show. I'd heard him come in after midnight and, doggone it, if him and Pa didn't have a few words! Pa was still mad. He was goin' on about how 'Joseph' was gonna make us late and how he did _not_ intend to apologize to the preacher again! Me and Adam looked at each other over the rims of our cups. We was pretty sure little brother had a new girl, 'cause keepin' him away from Virginia City lately had been just about as hard as keepin' a pig out of mud.

Just about the time I thought was Pa gonna blow, little brother came walkin' down the stairs. Now, this was the first Adam or I had eye-balled the kid since lunch the day before. Put me in mind of the time Little Joe got in a fight with just about the biggest bully God ever overlooked. He might of been seven then, and seventeen now, but things hadn't changed much. Little brother still thought with his fists.

We could of all mouthed Pa's next words.

"What do you have to say for yourself, young man? And remember, this is God's day."

Now, I never understood me why it was worse to lie on Sunday than any other day, but Pa's a right smart man and closer to God than Moses, so I just take it for a fact.

Joe mumbled somethin'.

"Speak clearly when you answer me."

Adam and me looked at each other again. The air was so gol-darn thick Hop Sing could have sliced it and served it on toast.

Little brother looked up. Them green eyes of his flashed. "I said, 'I'm not hungry. May I be excused?'"

"And just _why_ do you suppose you're not hungry?" Pa asked. "Could it be it has something to do with your late night 'escapade' in Virginia City? Where did you get that black eye, young man?"

Joe's jaw was clenched tight. He stared at his plate for a few seconds and then, daggone it if those eyes didn't lock on me like _I_ done somethin' wrong.

"I'm just not hungry," Joe tried again. "Can I go get the rig ready?"

Pa had a lot of sighs. Sad ones, mad ones, and long ones reserved just for 'Joseph'.

"Very well. We'll be out in fifteen minutes."

Little Joe nodded and then marched straight out the door.

I followed a minute or two later. By that time little brother was in the stable.

I blocked the door so he couldn't escape.

When he saw me, Joe snarled. "Get out of my way, Hoss!"

I snarled right back. "Little Joe, I don't plan on havin' me one of them Sundays where I wish it was Monday. Now you tell me what's botherin' you, boy, before I have to squeeze it out of you. " When he said nothin', I threw down my best card. "Is this about a girl?"

Joe started. "Who told you?"

Dag-nabit, we was good! "Little brother, it ain't hard to tell. You get in a fight over her?"

The boy bit his lip. "Kind of..."

"Look Joe," I said. "Pa's gonna be here soon and unless you and I come up with some kind of excuse for how you look, it's gonna be one heck of a long day."

Them nostrils of his flared. He thought a moment and then said, "I did it for you."

You could of knocked me over with a down feather. "Me?"

"Mary Jane..." Little Joe glanced at me and then away. "She's got a sister. Katy. She's..." He drew a breath. "She likes you."

"You got in a fight because some girl likes me?"

He nodded. "Katy said she'd go out with you if you'd just lose a few pounds. It made me so mad I..."

"Joseph, don't tell me you hit a girl!"

"Of course not!" He drew a breath. "She hit _me_ when I told her what I thought of a woman who wouldn't go out with a man 'cause he was...large."

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

That was Sunday four weeks ago and I spent every day in-between hungry. I did it for my little brother, so's he wouldn't have to be ashamed of me bein' 'large'.

I got me a lot of compliments when we showed up at church. Trouble was, I kept havin' to hitch up my pants 'cause they was loose. When we was leavin' the church, I sort of stumbled and it don't take much to guess who it was started laughin' at me.

Pa always told us not to hit a woman. Joe came mighty close today. He was shiftin' from one foot to the other, lookin' like a bull ready to charge. I was worried he might just do somethin' stupid, like try to wipe that smile off Katy's face and so, just like I done a thousand times before, I stepped forward, meanin' to come between them...

Trouble was, Sheriff Coffee was aimin' to come between them too.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

My fingers are still locked on my belt when Pa and I step past the deputy and into the jailhouse. Roy Coffee's sittin' at his desk with a bag of ice on his right eye. Pa steps aside and looks at me with that same hangdog look he gives Joe when the boy's done somethin' stupid.

Like drop his pants in church and then stumble on them, knocking the sheriff over and makin' his eye shake hands with a door knob on the way to the floor.

I ain't _never_ gonna lose weight again!


End file.
